| I got bored in Lit |
[Tuesday, Oct 27th, 2009 @ 3:30pm] |
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music |
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Tell Me Why, Taylor Swift |
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She always believed in perfection, in living out the movie script in her head. Life, for her, had not gone the way it was supposed to. Her family was never that of the tradition sort; alcohol and highly vocal fights often fueled their festivities. She fell asleep night after night to steady, dulcet fury over cars, the house, credit card bills and love.
Love was the trickiest aspect of her life. Her parents loved when she made them proud and kept them together but would just as easily lose her in their passion filled hatred of each other. Friends came and went, eager to borrow and take, never sticking around for long.
Love was tangible, she had decided at an early age. It was something to be seen touched and understood but never obtained indefinitely. It was found in the eyes of the men able to gaze upon her beauty and feel her soft skin under the rough pads of their fingertips. These eyes never gazed at her for long. Not to be mistaken, they did not love her as the person she was, but rather for what she represented and made them feel.
It could be found in the dog, meeting her at the door upon her return home. Conditioned, he nudged her hand until she filled his bowl only to trot away to it, returning only when he needed something else.
Reason after reason ruled her life, providing layers and logical explanations to ensure that love would never touch her.
She worked hard to keep it that way. She gave her love away easily, refusing to save it, refusing to admit that it mattered. She gave it to each boy who came knocking, each girl who became her best friend for a day to borrow her clothes, each teacher to give her an A, every store owner in her small, small town who offered her a free gumdrop with every purchase. She worked hard to keep herself empty, to keep herself perfect, to keep the peace. She preferred it this way, with everything in the place to which she assigned to it.
However, he entered her life on a Friday and by Saturday, he had blown her carefully constructed existence sky high.
He was sitting on the sidewalk reading as she walked by. She turned to give him a double take and was shocked to meet his eyes right away, staring at only her as everything else in the world simply melted away.
With languid motions, he marked a page in his book and stood up. She was rooted in her spot, unable to move even if she wanted to, lest she fall into the abyss which had once been the sidewalk. He approached her gently, as if she would bolt at any rapid motions. His eyes never left hers; they told her stories in but a few seconds that she would have no reason to know or assume. They were electric and she felt them probing her, understanding her, offering himself to her.
“Hi,” was all he said. His voice washed over her like warm water and as she stepped forward to offer him her hand to shake, she tripped.
His hands caught her, one gasping her hand and the other under her arm. His long, delicate fingers interlocked with hers to save her and at that moment, she became his in every sense of the word.
She never went home that night. For reasons that she could not verbalize, she took a risk and sat with him outside of the church talking like she’d never talked before, telling stories and hearing his. Nothing about him, especially his flaws, would be assigned to a neat box, but to her, he could not be any more perfect. In one night, he offered her what she always knew she didn’t have but refused to believe mattered. She found that despite her constant output of love for anything and everything that looked at her nicely, she got it all back from him and could only give it back to him.
It was unknown, unreal and unexpected. She had never been more terrified of anything in her life. But at the end of the night, she finally found her place in his arms and it became more real than anything she ever could have imagined.
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| I may be weak but I'm never defeated. |
[Wednesday, Sep 16th, 2009 @ 2:03pm] |
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music |
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Sweet Silver Lining, Kate Voegele |
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Life is life, I suppose. I had a weird day yesterday, but everyone has those. Nothing necessarily went wrong but nothing went right either. A lot is happening, I suppose and I'm a bit tired. But that's okay. I'm keeping up with everything.
Today is busy. I have to hunt down the RD of Horan to interview him for the Quadrangle and then I have an MCTV meeting and dinner and I have work study from 7:15 until midnight (no Gleeeee :[), which is fine because I don't go to bed until after then anyways.
I'm so very tired; I want a nap, but I know that the second I try to sleep, my mind will just start going a thousand miles a minute and not shut off. So no naps for me!
I smell like my dining hall, but I'm wearing a cute shirt today :( oh the decisions that have to be made....to change or not?? Thank goodness for body spray!
Classes are going well. Physics is kind of going to kick my ass, I think, but it'd be really good if I could do better than I did in bio (err...). We shall see. TV Production isn't too bad, but I get really nervous doing the technical stuff.
Next semester I'm taking feature writing, advanced reporting and newswriting, one more science, roots history and an elective. I'm also tryyying to get an internship as well? But we'll see how that goes. I just need things to do with my life...
Okay! Time for my interview.
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[Sunday, Sep 6th, 2009 @ 6:03pm] |
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Ohhh my gosh. I just ran like 7 blocks to make a delivery man's delivery. Ahhh. Oh, college <3
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[Tuesday, Aug 18th, 2009 @ 9:45pm] |
I'm exhaaauuusteddd. We rearranged vaguely. I sleep in la madre's room now and she sleeps in the basement, or on a couch? I'm not sure and I feel guilty. I am a bad daughter...sigh. My back hurts.
I'm moving in on Fridayy yay! This is very good news. I've already begun to pack some stuff I'll need for winter. I'm trying to not bring as many clothes but like, idk what I really wear or not. I want to bring all my MC tshirts...guh hahah. I own too much. I guess I have to decide what I really wear and what I don't. And really, could I own ANYMORE white tank tops? I don't think sooo.
Tomorrow Sabrina is coming for three days and Monday I'm going to dinner at my grandma's. Thursday is my going away dinner and packing up my dad's van. Friday is move in.
I finally got my hair cut. I can't tell if I like it or not because it's a frizzy mess and it's far too hot to straighten.
I feel like I have so much stuff in my room that I don't want anymore but like idk. I have all my card collection and pictures and stuff. I have to decide how much of it I really want.
Today my mom found a giant hairy, striped spider that is currently dying in a tupperware container outside. We are frightened that it's poisonous because it's very South American looking. Her friend recently got bit by a spider that was in Oldfield but is really native to South America (HA to anyone who once tried to tell me that never happens, HA!). She had to get a lot of surgery because it had like flesh eating toxic venom or something. The only problem is that now I'm freaked out that my college stuff in the garage will be infested with deadly South American spiders :( SIGH. I'll have to check it very carefully when I pack it upp meerrrrrrr.
WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH CRAP, my friends? :p
So I wrote this yesterday and now it's today, Wednesday :)
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| on top of the world and I'm just waiting, making up an excuse. |
[Sunday, Aug 16th, 2009 @ 8:33pm] |
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music |
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Top of the World, Kate Voegele |
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Sometimes I think I have intense rage issues. Like, people don't just annoy me. They make me want to like hit things and break things.
I go back to school in two weeks, thank god. This summer has been madness and I can't wait to get out of here. I won't be back until Thanksgiving. I don't want to deal with coming home and having to make sure I see both parents who, frankly, don't act like parents to begin with. My dad is too busy trying to be the buddy and the pal and my mom is just...she lets people walk all over her and I get mad AT HER because she doesn't effing stand up for herself then she gets upset and wonders why people keep doing it. Like, really? Yeah. Matt's a dick because he throws these temper tantrums and you do whatever he wants you to. That's why he's a dick; not because he's worried about college, he's not worried about starting school or golf or soccer. Not yet. And then people who make problems when there aren't any, those people annoy me too.
I'm going to flip out if I don't get out of here on the 28th and I have to wait until the 30th. It's only two days, but I've spent the last four months here and I can't do it anymore. I love my friends here so no offense to them, but I haven't seen my school people in four months and I miss themmm!
I'm getting a haircut tomorrow, just a trim. Tomorrow we're also rearranging. Sabrina's coming on Wednesday. She wants to go to Splish Splash, but I have a perfectly good pool and I'd rather not spend 40 bucks to go on rides full of water that people pee in. Plus there's free food at my house, not crappy stuff we'd have to pay for. So I'm working hard to veto that idea :)
Last night I was walking through my house on the phone in the dark and I walked dead on into a wall and hit that bone right above my eye and it hurts SO BADLY. That's the last time I don't use my phone as a flashlight to see in the dark!!
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[Wednesday, Aug 12th, 2009 @ 2:38pm] |
Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
Yeah, there's no possible way for it not to be.
Have you ever been attracted to someone's parent?
I don't think so...
Do you think you've changed over the past year?
The past year? How about the last three months?
Have you ever broken into someone's house?
My own. I forgot my key and Brian had to teach me how to do it.
Do you currently have feelings for anybody?
Trick question? I don't know.
Would you ever kiss your best friend's boyfriend/girlfriend?
Never.
have you ever swallowed a watermelon seed?
I dare you to show me someone who has never done so.
Would you rather meet the President or Paris Hilton?
The president, I guess. It's at least a conversation.
Have you ever had a bubble blowing contest?
I don't think so. I could be lying.
Do you wear a hat or visor daily?
I used to be obsessed with hats. I have about a billion, but I don't wear them so much anymore.
Have you ever wished for something and it came true?
Everyone has to at least had one wish come true in their life.
Do you regret anything about your past?
Regret? No. Do I have things that I wish had gone a little differently, yes, but I would never wish that they just flat out didn't happen so I don't regret them.
Where were you on your 15th birthday?
Seeing Starsky and Hutch, actually. I swear.
Have you ever seen a live bat?
One attacked me once. It was scary.
Do you find it in your heart to forgive?
It's all I do.
Do you care if people talk badly about you?
Much, much more than I should.
Are you in a good mood?
For the moment, yes.
Do you like the color blue?
It's my second favorite color.
Any upcoming concerts you are wanting to attend?
I wish I were seeing Taylor Swift but I'm not rich, so I can't blow 300 dollars on a single concert ticket. Same with B.Spears.
Have you ever had a girl best friend?
I have two at home and two at school.
Are you there for your friends?
Yes ma'am.
Do you miss the way things used to be?
Depends on what I'm comparing.
Would you ever live with anyone on your top friends?
Of course.
How many of your top friends have you slept in the same bed with?
All of them, I'm pretty sure.
How do you take out your anger?
Write. I tend not to take out my anger though, which is a problem because even though I think I have it together, there's one day every now and then when I just lose it and get mad.
How did your day start off?
By squeezing three people onto a couch. That's true friendship, right there.
Which do you like better, myspace or facebook?
Facebook.
What are you doing right now?
Just this.
What do you want right now?
I could go for a nap, but I think I'm going to finish True Blood so I can give it back to Ryan and watch the OC so I can give it back to Liz Lindbergh.
Last time you laughed?
Today because Roseanna's dad is funny, but I don't remember what we were laughing at...
Today did you hug a person you have feelings for?
Well, I'm in love with Jill so yeah.
What do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11?
I wish.
Has someone disappointed you recently?
Yeah.
Do you currently have a hickey?
No.
When was the last time you had fun?
Like two hours ago when I left Jill's.
Who were you with last night around 8:00 pm?
My mom, who was taking me to Jill's.
Want to tell someone something but you just cant?
Probably.
What did you do last night?
Went to Friendly's and slept at Jill's with Roseanna.
You're stuck on an elevator with the person you fell hardest for, what happens?
Talk about Lost so it hopefully wouldn't be awkward.
Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?
There are a few people like that.
Can you use chopsticks?
No...
What's the first thing you'll do when you turn 18?
I turn 21 in March. We're passed the point of no return, my friends.
Do you find piercings attractive?
Not...usually.
Why is your facebook relationship status the way it is?
So that I can go be skanky and not have to worry about anyone getting mad at me.
How long is your hair?
Almost to my butt. I need a haircut though because it's dead. Just a trim!
What color are your eyes?
Blue
Who do you dislike currently?
I don't really dislike anyone. People annoy me, but I don't dislike people.
If you could have something right now, what would it be?
Definitely a trick question.
Do you miss anything/anyone?
Yeah. School!
If you caught a significant other cheating on you what would you do?
If it was at school, I'd get my ass down to Pace. If it was at home, I'd call an immediate JAR sleepover and cry while eating Ralph's watermelon ice.
What time did you wake up this morning?
Not that late actually, because we were in the kitchen eating bagels at 11:11, at which time I did in fact make a wish.
What is the WORST subject they teach at school?
It's not the worst, but I'm not so good at math.
Where do you plan on living when you grow up?
NYC for a while, but I'd like to move somewhere less busy after a while.
Is someone on your mind right now?
Yeah.
Would you ever change for a boy/girl?
Supposedly, according to one person in particular, I did. But I don't think I would consciously change an aspect of my personality.
How do you feel about abortions?
I hope I'll never need one. Other than that who am I to tell someone else what they can or can't do with their own body.
Who has your heart at the moment?
Leonardo DiCaprio.
Are your parents over the age of 40?
52.
Are you a loud person?
I can be crazy and quiet at the same time.
Are you ready to get out of this town?
Yup. 16 days!!
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[Sunday, Aug 9th, 2009 @ 11:20am] |
Welp, this week was long.
Monday my mom, Jen and I made a 14 hour trip down to North Carolina. My aunt passed away Sunday morning and we had to be down there for the funeral this week. I can't deal with car trips like that so I started to lose it and I started a slap fight with Jen. I get a little claustrophobic I think, sometimes. Even when we were at the church and there were people all around me, the chairs were too close together and I felt so locked in and my head started spinning, just a little bit.
Anyways, so we got down there at like 9:30 Monday night and saw my uncle and my cousins. 13, 11 and 10 years old. The 10 year old is a girl. It's too sad.
The wake and funeral were very nice; there was an excellent lunch after the funeral of chicken and mashed potatoes and green beans. Delicious. They sure know how to cook down there.
So there are 21 days until I go back to school and I am psyched. That is so close to being single digits :D
I'm slowly working through my list of things to do this summer...I have six more books that I want to read, three of which I have to do before I leave so I can return them to Target.
So that's about it.
Oh, but I decided I'm going to North Carolina for grad school. Yup.
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| Perfect only in her imperfections |
[Friday, Jul 31st, 2009 @ 3:09pm] |
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Beautiful Disaster, Jon Mclaughlin |
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Today was the last day of camppp :( sad face. I'll miss it, though I don't think I will as much as last year. I loooved my kids this year and this year I just loved...less of them. I'll miss most of the girls though! :) I have to email Mrs. Hunt the talent show video. Roseanna, what's Lisa's email address? I'll CC it to her.
Less than a month until I go back to school. I'm ready.
I'm doing well. This is good. I think I'm passed the same four albums that got me through the summer. I discovered and now love Jon McLaughlin's album Indiana...it's so great.
Once I hit 22 pages, I kind of froze and I have writers block. Today is time to work on that. I'm gonna watch True Blood this weekend. Jen and I are sleeping at my dad's tomorrow night. Hopefully this will get him off my back about that for a while because, frankly, I'm just not too keen to do that yet.
My next summer goal is to memorize all the words to We Didn't Start the Fire. Does anyone know anybody who can do that?? I do...and now I want to as well :D I've failed at my summer bucket list though :( I'm a little lazy hahah. Oh welllll.
What I hate is the last three seconds of any song because it's just empty space and it's waiting to switch to the next song and I always hit next because it's annoying. The end :)
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| I guess all that's left to say are teardrops left at the bottom of the page |
[Friday, Jul 24th, 2009 @ 9:18pm] |
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Desiree, Keith Urban |
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So today I:
a) got paid.
b) safely escorted 18 children to McNulty's.
c) was asked if I am going to be an elementary school teacher.
d) burned the roof of my mouth on an oven pizza.
e) just spelled roof backwards not once, but twice.
f) got my computer working for the moment.
g) realized that there are 36 days left until school :D !
h) was asked if I want to move into my mom's room and she will sleep in the basement O_O
i) thought far, far too much.
j) refrained from taking a nap.
h) that's it.
i) realized something.
Also, Dell is retarded. It's not my hard drive and they can't tell me what it is. I reinstalled my OS and drivers and it's working for now. But really, it's only a matter of time -_- plus now they won't replace anything because it's working. GAH!
I'm frustrated with technology! :(
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[Wednesday, Jul 22nd, 2009 @ 6:05pm] |
( Dell, ladies and gents )
Like, in what universe does that make sense? What makes it a good idea to let me, an unqualified 20 year old girl, take apart my computer and replace the hard drive?? wtf. No.
I lost my summer log too :( everything that had happened, all my reactions and thoughts and feelings...gone. I'm pretty distraught. Luckily, I saved my story because I sent it to Shannon!! Thank heavens for small favors...
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| I was untouchable until karma crushed my party high |
[Sunday, Jul 19th, 2009 @ 8:55pm] |
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I Get It, Kate Voegele |
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So I'm writing the next great American novel. Hopefully. Probably not because it's going to most likely be smutty and chick lit, but oh well. We all have to start somewhere! :)
I wrote about 12 pages over the course of yesterday because I had a lot and I wanted to get it all out while it was still fresh in my head. I wrote about two today. This is good because it's allowing me to work on things that I'm not as good at, such as transitioning from one idea to the next. I often have two scenes worked out and played out in my head but the problem always ends up being getting from one to the next. Hopefully this will work out well for me!
Midnight Harry Potter was fun but I didn't enjoy the movie as much as I wanted to :( I was sorely disappointed and it was silly to get my hopes up. I feel like I should've known, hahah. Camp is still going well, despite the fact that my children are slowly turning into little demons. Olivia is a religious nut...yeah. We're doing Thriller for the talent show. We're just going to have them bring in one glove and try to wear a red shirt or jacket and a hat and walk around like zombies. We do what we can, hehe :)
This weekend I didn't do much. I mostly hung out and then today I ended up going to Alyssa's for a while, which was fun. Next weekend is Jen's play and my friends from school want to walk the Brooklyn Bridge or something, but unless they do it Friday or Sunday, I can't go, boo :(
I guess that's it, really. We lost hot water briefly, but then my dad filled it up for us, which of course was like the worst thing he could ever do. Oh wellll.
Happy birthday, Shannon! I hope it was excellent :)
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| Writing Meme |
[Saturday, Jul 18th, 2009 @ 4:32pm] |
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The window fan |
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What’s the last thing you wrote?
I've been keeping track of my summer in a word document since the beginning of July. It's not necessarily fiction, but that's the last thing I wrote. I put ideas in it along with lyrics and quotes and what's going on in my life in general. I feel like this summer, when it's over, will give me a lot to go off of.
Was it any good?
It will be.
What’s the first thing you wrote that you still have?
This Christmas poem I wrote that got published in the Beacon, I think, in like 3rd or 4th grade. Probably if I dig around I can go back further, but I'm lazy!
Write poetry?
Not really...I liked some of the stuff I did for my english portfolio in 11th grade. One of my poems was at the beginning of It Takes a Tragedy and I wrote a random decasyllabic couplet this summer. I like those. But I'm not a huge fan of poetry. I can never really get it to flow.
Angsty poetry?
Nahh.
Favourite genre of writing?
I don't write or really even read sci fi. I think it requires taking far too many leaps of faith and I can't do it. How I manage to watch Lost every week is beyond me! But I love to read and write romance, young adult romances. I like to read about people finding themselves through other people.
Most fun character you’ve ever created?
I like the characters in my one shots the most, I think. A lot of the stuff I write though is based off of real people and real life situations. So...I guess I don't really create characters in the traditional sense.
Most annoying character you’ve ever created?
See above.
Best plot you’ve ever created?
Like I said, I more borrow from actual events and grow them than create from scratch.
Coolest plot twist you’ve ever created?
Okay, so it's not necessarily a plot twist as opposed to a twist in the traditional storytelling method, but I like how in Not Enough, none of my characters have names. It really kind of drives home that they could all be quite literally anyone. They all could be you.
How often do you get writer’s block?
That's a big problem that I'm trying to overcome. Sometimes I just keep going and write out my dribble and write out the crap and occasionally something gold comes out. That's why I'm keeping track of my summer. I might get some gold.
Write fan fiction?
I used to. I wrote for School of Rock and His Dark Materials. It was cool, I liked it a lot actually. But fanfiction.net kind of went down the tubes, so.
Do you type or write by hand?
Handwritten, but I tend to lose things and doodle ENDLESSLY when writing by hand, so I'm trying to do more typed stuff now.
Do you save everything you write?
I try, but I lose a lot of stuff. I'm very messy! :(
Do you ever go back to an idea after you’ve abandoned it?
Sometimes. I like to keep track of everything just in case.
What’s your favourite thing you’ve written?
FLG :) it'll always be my favorite!
What’s everyone else’s favourite story that you’ve written?
In real life? Yes, FLG still. I took it off FP because I was massively editing it, but it was a favorite there too.
Do you ever show people your work?
Yes, on FictionPress and on LJ and sometimes in real life too.
Did you ever write a novel?
FLG! Which I will edit SOMEDAY.
Ever written romance or angsty teen drama?
Of course.
What’s your favourite setting for your characters?
I like to put them in southern locations because I love southern men! Yes, I'm also aware of the shallowness of that answer :)
How many writing projects are you working on right now?
I'm kind of just shopping things around in my head and getting a feel for what I want to do.
Do you want to write for a living?
Yes. I'd like to be a journalist, maybe a sports journalist, and I'd like to teach writing and English at some point.
Have you ever won an award for your writing?
No, I haven't done anything developed enough really to try. Actually, I did win an award for writing the best headlines in my journalism class if that counts.
Ever written anything in script or play format?
No, but I've always wanted to. I'd love to write for a TV show one day.
What are your five favourite words?
Devilishly, conundrum, theoretically, love, anthropomorphic!
Do you ever write based on yourself?
Myself and my friends most often. Yes.
What character have you created that is most like yourself?
Madison Wilson for the simple fact that she IS me.
Where do you get ideas for your characters?
Everywhere in the world that there are people and situations that can be drawn from.
Do you ever write based on your dreams?
Dreams? Dreams that I have yes, but not ones that come at night.
Do you favour happy endings, sad endings or cliff-hangers?
It depends on the story, really and which character you're talking about. It obviously can't be a happy ending for everyone.
Have you ever written based on an artwork you’ve seen?
Nope
Are you concerned with spelling and grammar as you write?
Yes, very much. I hate it when things are wrong and I'll often read it out loud to myself to make sure it sounds right and is right.
Ever write anything in chatspeak (how r u?)
When I was in middle school, yes. But I grew out of it very, very quickly.
Entirely in L337?
Roseanna and I went through a phase :)
Was that question appalling and unwriterly?
It was funny.
Does music help you write?
Yes, because it makes everything in my head not as loud and I can hear myself think clearly.
Quote something you’ve written. Whatever pops into your head.
She studied him for a moment, her eyes softening as she took in the hurt etched in his face, the hurt that she’d surely put there. "Because I love you."
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[Friday, Jul 10th, 2009 @ 6:45pm] |
I think every now and then you need a good rant about how crappy your life is at the moment. I had mine and I feel somewhat better. Eye dee kayyy.
This weekend is busy. Tonight I'm meeting Henry at Jilly's with people! Yay! Fun. Then tomorrow I'm babysitting and Nate is coming. I have no idea WHAT we will do, because frankly when you life in MP there isn't much. Maybe we'll go down port on Sunday. Who knowsss. Not I!
I got paid today, yay, which is good and next week is MIDNIGHTHARRYPOTTERSIXOMG. Yay. We have to leave SO much earlier than we did for Transformers, guys. Like...crazy.
That's it, really. I just wanted to alert everyone to the fact that I'm still kicking :)
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| I took a chance, I took a shot, you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not |
[Friday, Jul 3rd, 2009 @ 7:55pm] |
010 THINGS I WISH I COULD SAY TO TEN DIFFERENT PEOPLE RIGHT NOW.
001. I'm not mad at you. I'm just mad at the way you handled this and I feel lied to, even if you think you were doing the right thing for whatever reason.
002. I miss you so much. I'm hoping beyond hope that this works out for the best, but I'm so scared I've lost you already.
003. Please make this easier. It will help us.
004. Please stop being so angry. It will help us.
005. Stop smoking weed. It makes me really, really angry. I'm worried for you but I know you'll just brush me off so I stay silent.
006. You're a nice enough person, but I reallyyy don't want to date you. At all. Stop looking at me like a wounded puppy.
007. Be good to him. Make him happier than anything. He deserves it.
008. Come home from the zoo! I'm lonely.
009. You're being stupid about your girlfriend. You'll break up anyway, because neither of you want to do distance so why drag it out? One minute you don't know if you want to be with her, and the next you can't imagine being without.
010. Get your act together. You have college to think about.
009 THINGS ABOUT MYSELF.
001. I'm overly obsessed with my hair, my appearance. I weigh myself a lot, probably too much, and I don't think I'm pretty.
002. I will give you everything I can, if you let me.
003. I don't hate anyone except for Jess Micallef because she is the anti-Christ.
004. Lately I don't sleep well and eating food as well as not eating food makes me want to vomit. Sometimes it happens.
005. My life is spinning out of control. These are not things I would normally say, but I can't handle it. I need help, I need help so badly.
006. I like to write but I always reread what I write and hate it.
007. I'm really smart, but I know that's not what guys necessarily look for and I'm tired of being the smart girl.
008. I'm also tired of being "one of the guys."
009. I just want to sleep and not feel everything I'm feeling. I'm so tired.
008 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART.
001. Hold me tightly and never let go.
002. Smile, make jokes, be friendly.
003. Be attractive. I'm sorry, I'm shallow.
004. Like my friends and my family.
005. Give me epic hugs.
006. Let me take care of you. Take care of me.
007. Talk about what's bothering you and make me do the same. Sometimes I need to be pushed.
008. Put up with my TV shows I love :)
007 THINGS THAT CROSS MY MIND A LOT.
001. My jaw is killing meee where are my painkillers?
002. What do they think when they look at me?
003. Do I look gross today?
004. I have great hair.
005. I love my friends.
006. Where's my phone?
007. This would make a good ringtone.
006 THINGS I DO BEFORE I FALL ASLEEP.
001. Brush my teeth
002. Talk on AIM
003. Check Facebook/email
004. Talk to Jen
005. Set my alarm
006. Think
005 PEOPLE WHO MEAN A LOT.
001. Home friends: Roseanna, Jillian, Ben, Brian, Ryan, Nick, Alli, Courtney, etc.
002. MC friends: Jessica, Julianne, Danny, Nathaniel, Kerry, Ali, Katie Wirth, Kate, Annie, etc.
003. Fricking Joe Cipolla.
004. My family: mommy, daddy, Matt, Jen.
005. Myself.
004 THINGS I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW.
001. Jean shorts
002. Gray tank and white tshirt
003. Manhattan sweatshirt
004. socks
003 SONGS I LISTEN TO OFTEN. (according to itunes)
I only have four albums right now...
001. The City and the Ghost, Bedlight for Blue Eyes
002. Facing Up, Kate Voegele
003. Tell Me Why, Taylor Swift
002 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE.
001. Go to Costa Rica
002. Give everything I have to give
001 CONFESSION.
001. Nick is completely right. We try to make ourselves sound quirky so we'll be interesting. But we are interesting. I think so at least.
My summer sucks. The hits keep on coming and I'm sick of it. I want to sleep away everything that I'm feeling and I can't. I can't.
My mom is so angry all the time and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. If I say something about my dad that isn't negative, I feel like I'm hurting her. In the past two weeks, I've probably seen my dad for about three or four hours. He dropped Matt off today and then talked to mommy for a few minutes about something and didn't even say goodbye or how's it going or anything. He just said hi.
Both my grandma and my aunt are getting hospice care right now. My uncle fell off a ladder and was literally so close to dying.
Food has become a problem. I know that's not what anyone wants to hear, but it's true. Sometimes I don't eat and just looking at food makes me feel sick. Sometimes I eat it and I feel sicker. Medically, I am aware that I'm at a healthy weight but in my head I'm not. I'm stressed and feel like throwing up all the time. I'm tired all the time.
I hate complaining about this, or talking about it even, because people struggle to find the right thing to say and there is no right thing. It is just the way things are right now, no matter how much I hate it. But I'm drowning, I'm drowning so badly. My life is the same four albums on repeat and I can't stop. Sometimes I don't want to.
Rantrantrantrantrantrantrant.
In the end, I'll be okay. I know I will be. I will look back on all this and say that it made me stronger and a better person. But right now, I'm not okay and right now I'm having a hard time getting back up.
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[Sunday, Jun 28th, 2009 @ 10:47pm] |
My dad moved out. He has an apartment on Sylvan Avenue,across from the park and behind the little corner store. It's nice, I saw it today. He told me to make myself at home and it was just weird.
I feel so different than when I came home. This is the weirdest summer I've ever had.
Camp starts tomorrow and I totally can't wait. I have first graders and maybe will have some of the same kids as last yearrr.
Two months until school starts. I am apprehensive.
Goodnight.
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| Because I don't really have much to say. |
[Sunday, Jun 21st, 2009 @ 2:30pm] |
Would you rather have your parents catch you having sex or smoking weed?
Having sex. Drugs are endlessly worst.
Let's test your memory, what color were you wearing during your last kiss?
I was wearing a pink tank top and my grey jacket that says authentic on it.
Are you legal to drink?
Nope.
What's the closest black thing to you?
A stapler
Are you close with your mother?
Yes.
Are you close with your father?
I think so...he's gone more often than my mom and he's moving out soon, so idk.
Have you ever kissed anyone who's name starts with J, M, P or D?
Yep, J.
What did you do last night?
Hung out with Brian and Ryan even though Brian was asleep the entire time.
Do you miss your past?
What part of it?
Ever been kissed by someone who was a really really bad kisser?
Nope
How many people have you kissed who's name started with an M?
None
Do you think you've ruined your chances with someone?
Probably.
What do you think of girls sixteen and younger going on birth control?
What do you think of girls sixteen and younger having children?
Last time you smiled because you got a text?
Yesterday.
Who's in your profile picture with you?
No one, it's just me!
Do you like to make the first move?
Not at all. I'm too shy.
Besides this, what are you doing right now?
Taking this quiz and going to dry my hair.
The boy/girl you truly care about needs you at 3 AM, would you go?
For anyone.
Something you just don't understand?
Too many things.
What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
Water.
What's the best thing that happened to you today?
I didn't pass out in the shower.
Do you think your a good friend?
I think sooo, yes.
Within the next 4 months, what are you looking forward to most?
Going back to school.
Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone?
No, not really.
Do you have any dirty pictures on your cellphone?
Nope
How would you feel if your last ex fell in love with someone else?
Blah. We shouldn't talk about this. I'd be happy for him, I guess. It still might hurt a little.
Has an ex ever bought you a piece of jewelry?
Joe got me really pretty earrings that I still wear (-_-) and a necklace with an A on it.
Name something you hate?
Being out of control.
Has anyone said you have changed lately?
I think I've changed a lot since I've been home. Perhaps I'm wrong.
How old will you be on your next birthday?
21.
Do you find it in your heart to forgive?
Yeah.
Have you ever tried Gatorade?
Orange Gatorade is basically the single greatest drink on the planet. I'm addicted to it.
Last restaurant you went to?
Fusilli
What is the weather like today?
Gloomy and chilly, but not raining yet.
Have you ever told someone you loved them but didn't mean it?
Never.
What were you doing at 2 AM, Saturday night?
I was watching Enchanted.
Do you watch a lot of movies?
Yess
Are you currently in a "I wouldn't mind if I lost 50 pounds" kind of mood?
If I lost 50 pounds, I'd be massively underweight. I'm not stupid. Five, maybe.
Do your parents yell at you constantly about "cleaning up after yourself"?
No.
Would you rather give up the computer or the TV?
TV because I can watch TV on the computer.
What are you saving your money up for right now?
I don't know.
What flavor ice cream did you last have?
I wish I had chocolate chip cookie dough :(
Do you wish you had the chance to tell someone something right now?
I don't know. I don't really have anything to say right now, I guess.
Do you want to fix things with anybody?
Things happened the way they did because I made them happen that way. Why should I get a chance to fix them and honestly, what would I do? There isn't really much I could do differently.
When is the last time you were amused?
Yesterday.
Have your parents ever caught you drinking?
Negative.
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| I'm your girl and you're my man, I promise to love you the best that I can |
[Sunday, May 31st, 2009 @ 5:54pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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I now present, a list.
1) My throat hurts. wtf, summer.
2) I have rearranged my room, vaguely.
3) I am reading a book called Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting in an attempt to learn how to vibrate at a high frequency. Like attracts like, you see, and I would like to attract other high frequency things. This would be considered good.
4) Cuzzins Smoothies suck.
5) I am tired.
6) Drag Me to Hell is a scary movie and my belief that I do not like scary movies has been reaffirmed.
7) Hopefully this week, Roseanna and I will commence watching Buffy seasons one and two as well as Mega Shark v. Giant Octopus and it will be wonderful.
8) The wifi on my laptop has crapped out, came back, crapped out again, came back again and has now crapped out a third time. I am getting increasingly frustrated with Linux, despite my love affair with it.
9) I can't wait for camp to start.
10) I hope I get another job as well, though.
That is all! Good day.
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[Tuesday, May 19th, 2009 @ 2:46pm] |
Apparently, my ability to reason is inversely related to the quality of my hair, which I am overly obsessed with.
...What?
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[Friday, May 8th, 2009 @ 10:08am] |
So I know I never update. Here's my dream!
I was on the Spring Fling boat, having a good time when we were docking. I leaned over to get a good look at the dock and I fell off! Someone was already in the water and he was like we're going to have to get you out quick, there are sharks here. So far he didn't see any, but they were there. So then they told me to stay close to the boat so that the families of the pirates didn't see the pirates trying to get me, because the families were trying to ban water travel O_O eventually they threw a rope down and I had to propel myself up. As I was coming up over the edge, I hit my head on the railing and passed out but luckily I fell onto the boat and not back into the water.
Yeah. Weird. Student government was somehow involved, before we got on the boat. It was the moving up ceremony thing. I don't get it either.
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| Hold on, baby you're losing it |
[Monday, May 4th, 2009 @ 10:50am] |
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mood |
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I keep trying to make updates, but then I remember that I don't do anything interesting in my life.
Hence my neglecting LiveJournal.
Love you guys and I can't wait to see you all next week when I come home.
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